My ‘Obsession’ With Insurance Conquered My Fear of Riding

Last year, I experienced my first fall while riding Joey, the school horse. It happened suddenly as he surged through a corner, with a slight imbalance and the loss of a stirrup. Before I knew it, I was flung up in the air. I felt the heavy impact on my lower back, followed almost immediately with the back of my head hitting the ground.

As I lay there, stunned and disoriented, my instructor’s voice cut through the arena, asking me questions to assess my condition. I answered mechanically, grappling with the shock of the fall. Slowly, I managed to stand up, testing each limb cautiously. I couldn’t help but feel immense gratitude for my helmet, which undoubtedly saved my precious head. Despite not wearing any safety vest, I got lucky and walked away unscratched except for three weeks of back pain.

“Okay, let's try again in the next corner," said my instructor, firmly and casually, as if nothing had happened.

"Seriously?!" I thought. I could have injured my spine or broken my neck just now. I literally just escaped death (obviously way too dramatic). Every cell in my body was screaming in fear and rejecting the idea of me getting near a horse, let alone getting back on one that I just fell off. I know exactly why she pushed me back immediately. She knew how important it was for me not to be buried in fear before my next lesson. In fact, thinking about it now, if it wasn't for her not giving me time to back out and quit, it's possible that my first fall could have been my last, as well as my last riding experience.

To this day, I remember the reassurance she gave me after I made the half-hearted attempt right after my fall. It was rubbish, as you can imagine. and I merely lasted a few steps before pulling the reins to a stop. “Well done! That’s very good. Remember, we are not trying to make it perfect. Even if it’s just one or two steps better, that’s what we will walk away with today,” she said. I managed to shake off the sands covering me that day when I left the arena. However, I walked away with something else – fear. Fear that, to this day, I am still unable to shake off completely when I ride.

What do I fear about? – The possibility that anything could go wrong when riding a horse.

As my 'natural alarm system' kicked in, my mind embarked on a creative journey, envisioning all the horrible injuries that could occur. Like most people seeking quick solutions or answers, I turned to Google. That didn’t go down well, obviously. (Warning - do not Google pictures or videos of people falling from horses). I searched countless articles on overcoming fear of riding, on how to not fall from horses, only to discover people sharing more than what I wanted to know. Such as inspiring stories of successfully riding again after horrific accidents. Okay…I admit, I was desperately looking for someone to tell me - It is going to be okay. I called this ‘quick fix’ unreasonable behaviour of mine “a mental tantrum”. Because I am fully aware that the guarantee of not falling is not possible unless I give up riding.

When my ‘mental tantrum’ is eventually worn out, I sat down to meditate and reflect on what I have been associating my fear with. The more I explored deeper, it wasn’t hard to notice how my focus was heavily driven by things that could go wrong - Out of my control, and very little attention on things that are - Within my control. That's obvious because all I kept thinking about was what happened in the past, and what could go wrong with the future.

I followed the Triple A Steps (Assess, Analysis, and Action) to ease my fear, starting with a thorough examination of past events to understand how I dealt with fear and what actions I took. Here are a few standout examples:

Fear: Worried about my loved ones' finances if something were to happen to me.

Action: I purchased life insurance to ease their financial burden.

Fear: Concerned about leaving behind unresolved issues for my family after my death.

Action: I organised my will to prevent additional mental distress during their grieving process.

Fear: Disturbed by a potential flight incident and not able to say goodbye to my loved ones.

Action: I became proactive in showing love and care, planned quality time with family and friends, had ‘last words’ early and leave no room for any regrets.

These historical events revealed a significant recurring pattern in my fears. It's not just about the fear of personal loss, but rather the dread of imagining those close to me bearing the consequences of my actions or absence. It suddenly became clear to me that the security I've always craved is ensuring that, whatever happens to me, everyone around me is going to be okay.

With this realisation in mind, I finally understood the reason behind my obsession with insurance all these years. Consequently, I acquired additional accidental insurance to alleviate this new fear of horse riding. The moment I did, the fear of falling and that heavy anxious sensation in my chest was lifted. And as I continue to ride, with each stride, each canter, the weight of fear is gradually replaced by a sense of liberation and empowerment.

As I journey through life, I have no doubt that new fears will emerge, some that insurance alone may not be able to address or overcome. But just like how all fear eventually becomes our history and past, there is always something we can do at this present moment. Fear may appear as an obstacle to be avoided, but can also be embraced as an opportunity for growth. The choice is ours, flight or fight, there is no wrong answer, only what's right for you.

My riding adventure continues :)

So, what was once your greatest fear? And how did you overcome it?

Recent hacking session near Kent with Berry