Mum's Wise Words

"I've eaten more salt than you've eaten rice." If I had a penny for every time I've heard it, I'd probably have enough to buy a truckload of rice. Trust me, I do.

Growing up in an Asian household myself, I've had my fair share with the "all-knowing elders." They are the Yoda of wisdom (minus the green skin), they think they've seen it all, done it all, and therefore, they know what's best for you, whether you agree or not.

As much as they mean well and with the best intention, it can be suffocating and frustrating. Whether within the family or beyond, having someone else's will imposed upon you, packaged as "for your own good," often doesn’t leave you feel that good.

For instance, I never felt good when my red pocket money was snatched from me in the blink of an eye during my innocent childhood. A classic case of saving up, only to have it vanish into thin air for eternity. I was stuck with the same short haircut all the way to secondary school, courtesy of Ma's "time-saving" style choices. The relentless pressure to “be a doctor, be a solicitor”, or failing that, anything socially respectable that promises to make 💩 loads of money. Above all, as all women is destined to and should, get married, have kids, ideally one girl one boy, to make up the Chinese character of ‘good’.

Despite tying the knot with my boyfriend after a decade of dating – fulfilling his late grandma's wish and all – I fell short delivering all the other expectations. Mum and Dad were forgiving on my career, but not on the "produce offspring" front, claiming my life would be almost perfect if I had this ticked. (As if eight grandchildren from my other sisters weren’t enough to tear their house apart)

The disappointed sighs, the judgmental stares, and the occasional multitude of unpleasant labels being slapped on my forehead, along with the most frequently repeated all-time favourite:

“How can you be so selfish and only care about what you want?”

Ironically, I find this accusation somewhat represents both parties.

Here’s the thing: after years of battling, facing Mum’s verbal arrows, I’ve mastered dodging bullets and able to deflect her attacks with some epic Tai Chi moves of verbal sparring. It’s a routine, she shoots, I counter, we dance around until we are both tired out, and she moves on to a different topic.

However, two weeks ago, she caught me off guard, after a long and dreadful week, exhausted inside and out, when she called for another verbal sparring session, I didn’t defend nor attack, I just sat in front of my laptop, watched her keep going on and on and on about:

● How disappointed she is with me.

● How my dad is disappointed with how selfish I am.

● How my nephew or niece will become parents before I do.

● Cousin Fiona is already a grandmother..🙄

● Bla bla bla….

I spaced out, I looked at Mum and her slightly pixelated face on the screen. It’s hard to imagine that last summer, during her near-death experience and the 6th emergency visit to the A&E in 2 weeks, her 'last words' were: “I know I have always pressured you to have a baby, forget it, life is too short, the most important thing is to do what makes you happy.”

And yet, from that to this…No wonder they say women are unpredictable.

I have no doubt that this woman loves me more than life itself. I also know that as long as she believes I am not making the right choice in life, as a mother (or just my mother), she will do whatever she possibly could to rescue me. Even if it means it will hurt me during the process, like she always said: “I know you don’t like it, but it’s for your own good, you will thank me one day.”

Sometimes, I wonder if people are aware that the kind intention of wanting us to be good often implies that they think we are not good enough. I also wonder if Mum's aware that we are just two stubborn souls fiercely defending what we hold true. Neither of us willing to surrender, yet both yearning for understanding and respect for our choices.

“Ma”, I said, interrupting her speech.

“What?” she says and looked up finally making eye contact with me.

“I am happy with my life choices, if you can’t accept it and be happy for me, that’s your choice.”

She seemed slightly taken back by the calmness of my tone, or perhaps a little surprised that I didn’t retaliate as usual, she turned her face to the side and said: “Ay Yah…it doesn’t matter what we old people want, the world has become so chaotic, raising children is hard…if I had a choice back then perhaps I won’t want to have kids either…people should just do what makes them happy…”Maybe the mood turned a little awkward, mum quickly wrapped up the call with the usual “gotta go to the bathroom” excuse.

People should do what makes them happy…

People should do what makes them happy…

People should do what makes them happy…

I repeated this to myself again and again after the call.

Wise words mum, wise words. Perhaps you are truly as wise as Yoda after all that salt you have consumed.

I am sure one day, you can see that I am truly living by these wise words of yours.

I love you Ma. Happy Mother’s Day :)